Monday, September 10, 2007

Situations


An announcement over the loudspeaker to the entire staff of the OTTO MANNIX REPORT is heard at least once a week: "We've got a Situation," whereupon each officer and staff member drops what he or she is doing, scoots his or her chair back, and immediately exits his or her cubicle. We then convene in the Situation Room. The tension in the air can be cut with a plastic knife as the workers jostle about, clumsily fighting for seats closest to Mr. Mannix. Coffee from the Bunn machine is poured into styrofoam cups and passed around to the anxious participants, some of whom add various milk or sugar substitutes.

The lighting in the room is quite unusual, and for a very different reason. The anti-lights mounted in the ceiling cast a necessary darkness over the proceedings, leaving only the intensely hot, bright metal halide lamps mounted under the table to illuminate the Situation. Extreme conditions such as these are what forge the necessary determination of this team of dedicated and self-serious journalists.

Welcome to the OTTO MANNIX REPORT. It is our stated goal to deliver the most relevant, incisive and misingenuous information available on the world-wide web, at least once or twice a month. Thank you for visiting.

4 comments:

William Thirteen said...

glad i quit that job, i always hated having to show up to the office in blackface...

Paul said...

On March 15th, it was discovered that the president of Dairy Queen had developed a severe case of lactose intolerance. He was buried up to his head next to a rather large anthill with his orifices packed with Boysenberry yogurt by loyal board members who had a responsibility to the shareholders to punish the chief for daring to develop such an abhorrent affliction. Dairy Queen stock was buoyed by the news of the exploits of the brave corpulent white men.

Typhon said...

I'm so glad I found this site, packed with so much truth. Thank you for your existence in this world, that is just too genuous.
I almost had a situation myself, just last week. Luckily, it just missed me. But now I have a refuge in YOUR massiveness, to get me through possible future situations.
Godspeed to you Mr. Mannix

clefbor said...

i remeber some "situations" in that room involving pantses coming off... sheeyit, everyone wantsa get ahead.